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Agent Sands Quotes
from Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Note: Like the movie, the quotes on this page are 
rated R for adult language and situations.
Quotes contain some spoilers to the movie.

"El, you really must try this because it's puerco pibil. 
It is a slow roasted pork, nothing fancy, just
happens to be my favorite... and I order it at every dive I go to in this
country and honestly, this is the best it's ever been... anywhere. In fact
it's too good. It is so good that when I'm finished with it I'll pay my check,
walk straight into the kitchen, and shoot the cook. Because that's what I
do. I restore the balance to this country."

"Oh yeah, things may get a wee bit dangerous there sugerbutt so...
can you dig it?"

"I'd like you to have a bite of my pork because... it's the world."

"Why, why would I want that? Why would I want bubblegum?"

" [on cell phone] Listen.... listen! This is no time to screw the pooch because this is
supposed to be the big dance number. Hello? Hello? [hangs up] Okay,
okay... I'm going to freak right out."

"Are you a MexiCAN or a MexiCAN'T?" ~Sands
"I'm a MexiCAN." ~Cucoy
"Alright. Then do as I say." ~Sands

"Nice tune." ~Sands
"Something my brother taught me. I killed him." ~El
"Yes, I was privy to that information already. How charming." ~Sands

[Sands hands Belini a Clash of the Titans collectible lunch box]
"I couldn't find a briefcase small enough for ten thousand dollars in cash."

"Just for my own edification, I offered you fifty... why did you say no?" ~Sands
"Fifty is a lot for what you wanted me to find out. I mean, might as well just
put a bullet in my head than cough it up, right? But ten... ten is more civilized. Ten
is something we both can live with." ~Belini
"Ten might still be too much." ~Sands
"You'd kill me over ten thousand dollars?! You wouldn't dare! You wouldn't dare..." ~Belini
" [mouths] Oh yes I would." ~Sands

"Why are we stopping?" ~Sands
"I can't go any further." ~Taxi Driver
"Why? Why not?" ~Sands
"Look out there, it's a fuckin' coup t'tat." ~Taxi Driver
"I can't see fuckmook, I have no eyes." ~Sands

"I suppose I should thank you for not sticking it up your ass."

"That spill just cost you your life."

"Sometimes a revolution is exactly what is needed to clean up the system. One
giant enema... which just so happens to be my area of expertise."

"Bull fights. Bull hockey. Do you like this? The bull is stabbed, prodded, beaten... the
bull is wounded. The bull is tired before the matador ever sets foot in the ring... now,
is that victory? Of course it is. Do you want to know the secret to winning? Creative
sportsmanship... in other words, one has to rig the game."

"You're a good rat... I like you!"

"You want me to shoot the cook?" ~El
"No. I'll shoot the cook, my car's parked out back anyway." ~Sands

"I'm just walking my beat, friend. Mexico's my beat, and I'm walkin' it."

"Why doesn't my key work?" ~Sands
"It's too small." ~Ajedrez

"Belini, how long have you and I done business together? 
A long time. And in a way I kind of, almost, could have the tiniest smidgen 
of respect for you.... almost. But you really need to stop farting around."

"You know that withholding evidence from a federal officer is a serious
offence... especially when that officer has paid handsomely for it and
wouldn't think twice about ripping that patch off your eye hole and
skull-fucking you to death."

"My name is Sheldon Jeffery Sands. I work for the Central Intelligence Agency. 
I throw shapes and they catch. I set them up, I watch them fall. I'm living la vida loca."

"Why wasn't I stationed in Alaska?" (deleted scene on DVD)

"Now look at that. That is cowardice. It's so... yellow. It's beyond
yellow, it's canary yellow. Now rodeo clowns... those are real men.
I had a buddy from Austin, he was a rodeo clown. Had one arm. We
used to call him... one arm." (deleted scene on DVD)

" [on cell in front of restaurant] ]Hello Senor, for your information
I am standing right out side. Look at me! 
[waves arms around in window] Look at me!" (deleted scene on DVD)

"That's him isn't it? That's the man that told me you were open! I can
here his grimy little unintelligible turd birdie voice in the background!" (deleted scene on DVD)

"You're about a quart low."

"[on cell to El] Well the Barillo Cartel aren't the nicest of men, are they? However,
you passed the test. You're going to do just fine. Assemble your team
and I will call you with further instructions. Over and out."

"Does he have a name?" ~Sands
"They call him El... as in The." ~Cucoy
" [rolls eyes] I know what it means... thank you." ~Sands

"Are you trying to give me a boner?"
(contributed by Donna L.)

[after shooting  Belini, as he tries to carry his dead body]
"Little help?"
(contributed by Tina)

[Sands undoes his fly]
"Have you ever seen one of these?"
[Sands pulls out a gun, Chicle Boy shakes his head]
"Have you ever used one?"
[Chicle Boy shakes his head again]
 "Don't ever because they're very, very bad. But right now I need you to aim it at the 
bad guy who's following us, and shoot him in the head."
(contributed by Izzy)

"Can you hear me now? Okay. Fucking Bells."
(contributed by Izzy)

*Did I forget a good Sands' quote? If so, e-mail it to me here & I'll add it!*

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